US actor Jada Pinkett Smith said she would never divorce her Hollywood star husband Will Smith because doing so would feel like “quitting”.
The power couple have been together for more than two decades and have openly discussed their unconventional relationship.
Jada and Will married in 1997 and have two children together: Jaden, 27, and Willow, 25.
For years, the couple faced rumours of trouble brewing in their relationship before Jada confirmed in a candid interview with US talk show Today that they have been separated since 2016, though they kept the split a secret from the public for years.
Despite the separation, the couple have continued to support each other, work on their relationship and appear together at family events.
In an interview with podcaster Jay Shetty, the actor explained why she and Will haven’t divorced, despite having been separated for seven years.
“Everybody’s like, ‘Why don’t you just get divorced?’ And it’s like, that’s like quitting,” Jada said.
“I don’t think there’s any person that could embrace the best and the worst of me and be able, be willing to hold space in the way that Will holds space for me, and the way that I hold space for him.”
The couple have both openly agreed to “reconcile” their marriage, but is there always a way back to each other?
The Feel Good Clinic principal clinical psychologist Mary Bonich told 7NEWS.com.au separation doesn’t mean a relationship is permanently over.
“Sometimes we just need a little distance from a relationship before we can properly understand what was happening within it and gain perspective on why it wasn’t working,” Bonich said.
“Time apart gives both parties the opportunity to reflect on what went wrong, the role they each played in the relationship breaking down and whether they want to reconnect.
“However, reconciliation is much more likely to succeed when the goal is not simply to return to the relationship exactly as it was.”
Actor Catherine Zeta-Jones and her actor husband Michael Douglas had a brief, temporary separation in August 2013 after 13 years of marriage.
At the time, a rep for the couple confirmed they were taking “time apart to evaluate and work on their marriage”.
The space proved helpful for this celebrity couple, as they successfully reconciled a year later.
But Bonich warned if the same people return to the same dynamic without anything meaningfully changing, they are likely to encounter many of the same problems all over again.
“A healthier way to think about reconciliation is that the couple is building a new, healthier version of the relationship, rather than trying to recover the old one,” Bonich said.
Bonich said for reconciliation to work both people need to want the relationship, but wanting it is only the beginning.
“There usually needs to be some understanding of why the relationship broke down in the first place and a willingness from both sides to take responsibility for their part in that,” Bonich said.
“This part can be difficult because it is often much easier to identify what the other person did wrong than it is to examine our own behaviour.”
Just saying you want change isn’t enough — there also needs to be evidence of change.
“For example, if the relationship struggled because one partner felt neglected, constantly criticised, unable to trust the other person or overwhelmed by an unequal share of family responsibilities,” Bonich said.
“Reconciliation needs to address those problems in practical terms before the relationship can move forward.”
Singer Pink and her husband Carey Hart married in 2006, separated in 2008 but reconciled in 2009 and called off their planned divorce.
In a 2010 interview with talk show queen Oprah Winfrey, the pop star opened up about what helped their reconciliation.
“I spent six years trying to change someone else and I think that was a great distraction for me to not really have to look at myself and see what I had to change in me,” Pink said.
“It was very humbling for me. I’m not perfect.”
Bonich warned a lack of communication is often the biggest barrier to effective reconciliation.
“Understanding how we communicate and where our styles differ gives us a better chance of moving forward without falling back into the same patterns,” Bonich added.
“One of the biggest challenges we often experience in rebuilding a relationship is that the history of the old relationship doesn’t simply disappear because we have decided to try again,” Bonich said.
“A relatively small disagreement in the present can bring back painful memories of similar arguments, disappointments or breaches of trust from years earlier.”
If these issues haven’t been meaningfully worked through, it can be easy to fall straight back into familiar, damaging patterns.
But Bonich said it’s important to remember people often repair relationships at different speeds.
“Patience and understanding are important here, because rebuilding trust or emotional safety rarely happens at exactly the same pace for both people,” Bonich added.
Rather than saying “let’s try again” slow things down and have some honest conversations about what you are signing up for.
Active listening is important here: listening to understand what the other person is trying to say, rather than waiting for your turn to respond or defend ourselves.
“You don’t necessarily have to agree with everything your partner says, but they should feel that you have genuinely heard and understood their perspective,” Bonich said.
Talk openly about the practical areas where relationships often come under the most pressure, such as parenting, finances, intimacy, household responsibilities, time together and boundaries.
Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard have been vocal advocates for couples therapy, starting counseling just six months into their relationship to proactively build conflict-resolution tools rather than waiting for a crisis.
Couples therapy can be helpful, if you keep finding yourselves having the same arguments or falling back into patterns you have attempted to change on your own.
Bonich says the number one “red flag” is safety.
“If we feel emotionally or physically unsafe in a relationship, then the relationship itself is not safe,” Bonich said.
“Another sign is when communication is not improving. If we’re unable to raise concerns openly, conversations can quickly become defensive or hostile, leaving us feeling unheard or dismissed.
“The relationship might also start to feel unequal, with one person doing most of the emotional heavy lifting or making most of the compromises.”
Then there are broken promises and trust.
“If we repeatedly say things will change but our behaviour stays the same, trust can erode quickly,” Bonich said.
“Once trust has been damaged, reconciliation becomes harder.
“Every step backwards is another step forward required just to tread water.
“Getting back together should never require us to compromise our core values, accept less than what we need from a relationship, or tolerate behaviour that leaves us feeling unsafe, unheard or isolated.”